Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
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[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I get distracted pretty eas
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi