Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
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Breaking news:
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Don’t make me out nice you.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene