[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
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A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”