having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

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[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”


Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes


If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.


Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…


They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.


I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”


GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]


Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.


Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?