having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
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*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.