having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
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The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
