Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
i actually laughed 😩
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”