Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Cndnsd Mlk
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Never forget.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.