@_ultranoob

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

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@TragicAllyHere

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

@donutscoffeeme

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

@HatfieldAnne

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

@meatlobes

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

@TorontoRobFord

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

@clichedout

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

@KentWGraham

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

@TurboJellyBean

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.