having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
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*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
My god she’s good.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.