People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
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[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.