having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

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People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it


[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton


When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.


*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*


Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.


gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is


Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.


Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.