having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
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Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*