[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
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Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?