[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
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I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Story of my life…..
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .