Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
😂😂😂
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials