Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
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An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.