Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
quarantine day 3
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away