Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
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[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT