@sweetmomissa

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

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@sarcasticmommy4

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

@sofarrsogud

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

@chuuew

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

@GensPlace

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

@papasuncle

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

@_elvishpresley_

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

@TheBoydP

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

@causticbob

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”