Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
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My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My background check bounced.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash