Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
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Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Midwest trash talk
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica