Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
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self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
New comic up. “Ransom”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat