Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
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3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
When you’re here for the treats.
I feel seen
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede