@Tmoney68

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

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@ddsmidt

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

@dlockw21

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

@byrdie_num_num

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

@joci2203

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

@10InchesPlus

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

@Manda_like_wine

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

@karanbirtinna

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

@Matt_The_1st

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

@KentWGraham

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

@DomesticGoddss

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.