Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
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Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
*pronounces UPS like yoops