Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

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People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.


Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.


I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.


Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.


*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time


New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.


Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.


Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles


Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.


Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.