Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

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Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.


If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.


Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.


“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.


restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?


I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.


When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.


I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.


[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”