Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
You Might Also Like
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
consequences, the bane of my existence
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg