having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
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The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
A classic…
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats