@DanielRCarrillo

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

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@slimmy_shady

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

@joejwest

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

@jus4golf

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

@HomeWithPeanut

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

@WritePlay

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

@ieatanddrink

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

@

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

@Brianhopecomedy

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

@mommajessiec

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.