@slimmy_shady Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
@DanielRCarrillo Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
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@slimmy_shady 
@joejwest SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
@jus4golf You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
@HomeWithPeanut Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
@WritePlay Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
@ieatanddrink Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
@PrinceGreenJr *trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
@Brianhopecomedy When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
@mommajessiec I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.