Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.