Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
You Might Also Like
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?