[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
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Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.