Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
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Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
bugs when you lift up a rock
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!