[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
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If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.