@rockymomax

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

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@1followernodad

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

@_NTFG_

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

@kevinrowe1

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

@JohnLyonTweets

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

@PaperWash

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

@droidbears

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

@Izianikapani

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

@Dana_Bruno

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

@OneFunnyMummy

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!