[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
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Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*