Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them