Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.