Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
12. I think about this all the damn time
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
My background check bounced.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby