Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
You Might Also Like
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
📽️movie date🎞️
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
⛄️
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?