Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye