Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
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My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves