Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
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People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
c’mon!
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Alexa: *deep breath*
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.