Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
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Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.