Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Hit me in the face with a bird
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Did…did a minotaur write this
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger