Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
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The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere