[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
You Might Also Like
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”