hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.