Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
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Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children