HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
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Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit