HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
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I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far