He a real one for that
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[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
The internet is full of many things
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Warm pools make me nervous.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015