– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.