He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
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MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?