He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
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Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
(yawn)
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
All excellent questions
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I’m not stressed
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.