He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
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I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”