He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

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*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*


If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.


Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.


Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler


‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.


Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon


Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.


Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.