He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
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Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…