@CArmanthegirl
@BruceForce Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
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@BruceForce 
@murrman5 *wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
@Brianhopecomedy If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
@nice_mustard it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
@OrangeFact Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
@mommajessiec Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
@JennyJohnsonHi5 ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
@TuffyNyC Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
@iRowlf Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
@MrGeorgeWallace Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.