@CArmanthegirl

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

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@murrman5

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

@Brianhopecomedy

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

@OrangeFact

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

@mommajessiec

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

@JennyJohnsonHi5

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

@TuffyNyC

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

@iRowlf

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.