He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
awkward
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.