Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

a public service announcement

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

work smarter, not harder

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.