He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
This is going to be a meme FOREVER: