He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
me and the Superbowl rn
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.